Feeling Naked and Exposed

I’m somewhat of an over thinker....ok maybe more than “somewhat” of an over thinker. I over analyze every situation that I am in, every conversation that I am involved in, and possible situations that may or may not occur in the future. I know it sounds silly. Sometimes over analyzing can be a bad thing. However, it can also be a good thing, depending on what the situation is, and if the thoughts are positive or negative. For example, analyzing situations that may occur in the future...or may not, there are times when I think of things that could be very bad, and honestly I’m not sure why I do this other than it is just simply something that I have allowed demons to put into my thoughts because I know I’m not the kind of person who would think of anything like that on my own. I don’t want to depress you, so let’s move on to how it can be a good thing.

I like to think of myself as a dreamer. I spend a lot of my time daydreaming. I always have. If there is a vacation coming up, I constantly dream about what it will be like, and what I will do. I love creative writing, so of course I like to think of every detail and picture everything in my mind. I guess I’m a pretty vivid thinker. To some people that seems a little weird I’m told. I didn’t realize not everyone can picture things in their mind, and make it so realistic, or maybe everyone can and they just told me that because they didn’t want to seem “weird” too, but what’s normal? Anyways, I like to think of it as a gift. I think of it as a gift not only because I can picture what I “dream” the future may be like, but also because I can picture memories. Sometimes they may not be so good, but sometimes they can be the best. Memories can be the thing to put a smile on our face in not so pleasing situations.

Anyways, the reason I am giving this whole spill is because lately I have had something on my mind that I’m...you guessed it, over analyzing. I enjoy writing, that’s why I created my blog. I wanted a place that I could “be myself” (whatever that means), and where I could write about my life and anything I really wanted to. I also thought it would be nice when I went off to college, so that I could share my experiences with my family.  However, I never really gave them the link.  Another thing I love is making videos. I enjoy making videos so much that I wish I had gone to film school, but that’s ok because thanks to sources like the internet and YouTube, I can learn without actually having to go to a school. I haven’t made an actual short film yet, but I would like to in the near future. I’m also a YouTube junkie. I love all types of videos. I love the music videos, DIY, tutorial, beauty, and vlogs. (There are probably a few more that I watch, but we could be here all day talking about YouTube if you would let me.) Yes you read that last one correct, “vlogs.” Now, normally the response I get when people hear this is a question with a confused face, “What’s a vlog??” I mean seriously, my computer and phone even don’t understand what it is. It’s always trying to correct me and change it to “blog,” but no this is a blog, text and pictures. A vlog is a video version of a blog. So a video log. It could also be called a video diary I suppose. However, most people then just think you are crazy and wonder why you would enjoy watching other peoples “home videos.” I just want to ask those people, “Why do you enjoy reality TV?" That is basically what it is, but on a more personal and “real” level. Unfortunately most people still just won’t understand it. I believe to truly understand it, you have to become a part of it whether you are just watching or creating one yourself.

iJustine was one of the first vlogs that I saw (I think), and I still watch them. I then found other peoples vlogs, and I really grew to love watching people’s daily lives. Not to sound like a creeper though. When you start to watch these types of videos, you start to feel like you know them, and it's nice to feel like you know someone who is similar to you or have similar interest. (Obviously not “actually” know them, but just know them...again not something I can really explain, you need to experience it yourself.) There is such a long list of peoples videos that I watch that I can’t name all of them, but a few I really love are Fun for Louis, Shay Tards, and the Saccone Joly’s. I just find it fascinating how they document their everyday life. I also love to go back and watch old videos to see how they have changed. Because I love making videos, and I love other people’s vlogs, I wanted to start making my own. I found I really love it. I even got a small camera that would be easy to take around everywhere, so that I could vlog more. I want to document my life.  I don’t really care how many people see or don’t see it because it’s what I enjoy. However, I almost get a since of stage fright when I try to vlog because I suddenly feel stupid for trying to attempt it. There are so many vlogs I’ve made and never even made it to the editing stack...they just kinda got thrown into a home video file. I feel exposed and naked when I’m sharing my life. The weird thing is, I don’t feel that way because a bunch of strangers may be watching, I feel that way because I don’t want anyone from my “real life” to see it.

 There is a fine line between real life and the internet life. Why? Because not many people in your everyday life, or well my everyday life, enjoys the internet like I do, apart from what who was doing where on Facebook. I avoid doing what I love because I’m worried what people might think if they find my videos and blog. It’s different, but I thought I liked to be different.... The crazy thing is that I live a normal life in front of people, but when I see myself and my life on camera, I suddenly become self conscious like I’m embarrassed of how I am, how I look, and how I sound, but people see how I am anyway. Why do I worry with it. After all, we are all just human. What makes them better or worse than me? Nothing. They are probably more focused on them anyway. If not, then I suppose I should look at the bright side and think “Well, it’s nice someone is spending precious moments of their life thinking of me.” However, when I dive a little deeper than just a video of my everyday life, such as writing this blog, I feel even more exposed. The one thing other people actually can’t see are my thoughts. 

I over analyze things so much, that normally when I tell people what I’m thinking, they tell me I think too deep. I love to write, that’s why I’m trying to make myself not worry with what others think because they are human too, and just write what my thoughts are (well not"all" of them) and what “I” want to talk about. After all, a blog and a vlog are just online diary’s that other people can view. There has to be someone, somewhere in the world that is similar to me.

 Besides, because I do love to write, how can you be awriter if you don’t elaborate on your thoughts and daydream? I’ve kind of been going through a weird time, but only I can really change that. If you go back and look at my blog and videos, you can see I have been much of a procrastinator and very inconsistent, but I want that to change. This is what I enjoy, this is my life. I refuse to let others control my life with their judgmental remarks. I may not understand what others enjoy, but I think I can accept that I don’t understand and that everyone is different. They aren’t weird because they are different, and neither am I. Again, what’s normal? 

I’m going to try to do better with just being who I want to be, and doing the things I want to do. (I feel like I’m about to burst in to song right now, “Let it go...Let it go, can’t hold back anymoreeee.) I’m not ready to share everything with the real world just yet, but I’m also not going to avoid living because they “may” find out who “I” am.... I just want to be me. That’s why I started with this post. It may seem a little rambly and I may feel a little uneasy about posting it, but that’s ok. After all, according to Neale Donald Walscch, “Life begins at the end of your comfort zone.” 

Is there something that you aren’t doing because you fear how others see you? Do you think those people who make you at unease really are affected at whether or not you’re happy? No, probably not. So don’t let them make that decision for you. Don’t be afraid to do what you love and be you. It’s ok to be different. If we were all the same, life would be boring. (I’m pretty sure that last sentence is from a quote, but I’m not sure where....)

~Danni~ xoxo